After the Event....Crowd Sourced Lessons from a Community

A couple of weeks ago, we were able to host the first large-scale community storytelling event since the beginning of the pandemic, and it was…..electric. Even those of us on the Failure Lab team, were plunged back into the magic in a way that was unexpectedly surprising & delightful. The past few years have been a lot and human memories are short. It was wonderful to be reminded of how Failure Lab began (a decade ago)…..with the stories.

Failure Lab is not just about “learning from failure” or “failing forward.” It is also a call for self-reflection, compassion, empathy, & human connection.

The main differentiator of a Failure Lab story is that the storyteller does not “wrap up” the story with a conclusion, lessons, or revelation. The story is left - abruptly, awkwardly, at the bottom of the story - IN the failure. Then, the audience is invited into the story. They are given time to reflect, empathize, and do their own meaning-making, which they generously share with the public.

These crowd sourced lessons are a critical part of the “Failure Lab magic.” Because yes, the event is a wonderful, impactful, emotional rollercoaster, but the most important part of a Failure Lab Storytelling Event is what happens AFTER the event. The reflections. The conversations. The continued reflection. The unapologetically human connections.

If you were at the event, thank you for participating and sharing.

Here are a few of our favorite reflections. Enjoy.

Attah Obande

Racism’s impacts aren’t always obvious and overt to those that are not experiencing it.
We can all fail, but even in failure there is inequity.
A black man’s gold will always be worth less than a white man’s silver.
Unfortunately I have this same conversation with my kids ALL the time. The lesson is that we can HOPE people are better - that they know more than generations before us. The reality is that we really haven’t come that far. Racism adapts. DON’T let others’ biases define your success or failure.
As a woman I have more to more to prove and more to lose, but at the same time I am more than what someone else deems I’m worth. It’s not just about what I want/ask for or what I prove I’m worth. I am worth everything - and if they want my knowledge/skill - I am the gatekeeper - not them.
Hard work isn’t the only factor. Pull yourself up by your bootstraps is bullshit.
People still judge people by the color of their skin.
If a system is rigged against you - it’s time to find a new system. Wisdom is like water. It settles in low places. Sometimes wisdom doesn’t make sense until you are in a low place.
Racial divides exist in the workplace and hold some back from being their best selves.
Be careful what you say yes to. Ask more from your leaders.

“Wisdom is like water. It settles in low places. Sometimes wisdom doesn’t make sense until you are in a low place. ”

A lesson that I learned is that equity is a necessity in this world, but right now, for those who don’t have the privilege, they must speak up and those who do have the privilege must acknowledge the truths of the inequity and seek change.
Work hard - regardless. It doesn’t matter what the color of your skin is. Stand tall. Be proud. Racism should not equal failure.
As a mother of two white boys - I want my boys to grow and champion for opportunities for those who’s successes have less weight and failures weigh more. As a female leader in a male driven industry (insurance), I feel I need to make strong but strategic/subtle steps to move forward.
You can’t live for the opinion or approval of others. Be true to yourself and know your worth, despite what other people think of you.
SYSTEM FAILURE.
It brings up failures of my own….when there were already odds stacked against me for the color of my skin. Still work hard.
Know that bias has the power to be a silent killer.
We suck. Humans need to do better.
His story brought up a lesson of privilege for me. The lesson I drew could only be to reflect on how I impact the TRUTH that as a black man in America your successes are worth less and your failures carry more weight.
There are systems that some successes are upholding that are holding us all back.
I can personally relate as a black woman in corporate America. I am hyper-aware that my failures hold a much greater weight than my achievements in this “system.” It creates a lot of pressure to be a high performer most times….to always be “better.”
One can be doing everything right but a difference between others’ perspective can really create a different reality. Judgement will always create separation, but one should always continue to overcome.
The weight of being black and successful is heavy.
The good ol’ boy’s network dominates.
How do we grapple with injustice? When no matter how hard you work, that is not the measure?
Superior performance does not guarantee commensurate results. Beware.
Set boundaries and expectations of those around you. Make sure you surround yourself with people who value you and your skills.
When someone trusts you they will tell/show you.
As a black woman, I feel like I have similar mishaps and have to convince people of my worth or even that these things are happening. But, I stay positive even in the darkness and continue to find a solution or another option/opportunity.
I don’t understand racism. It makes me feel ANGRY. People expect less of you because of the color of your skin??

Mary Brown

I am speechless. This one resonates so profoundly. Give people their flowers while they are here. There will never be a moment like this one. My mom is aging and she often laments that I need to slow down. I want nothing more than to hear her voice right now.
I knew I should have brought tissues. <3
Work is not everything. Success is not everything - we have those things in our lives so that we can support those we love. But ultimately there is nothing more important than your personal relationships. Because otherwise what are you working for? Not you or them.
Regret is so painful. Great reminder to do it now.
The spiritual connection of that inner voice reflects the strength in your love for one another <3
In an attempt to honor a loved one, to work hard in their name, you can lose sight of being in their honorable presence.
We let society put too much pressure on us at a very steep cost to ourselves.
Hold onto the people you love.
The retrospective feeling of regret hangs heavier over me than anything else.
Trust your own mind. You are not only what you do. Your relationships matter.
The weight of the color of your skin is heavier than I could imagine. Make the calls.
Make the calls. Don’t make excuses. Tell those whom you love and care about that you love them before it’s too late.
In the midst of our most chaotic moments it is important to stay connected with our loved ones and what brings us joy.
Mary, I feel for you as I experienced the exact same thing. Said I would phone after supper. Well it was too late. I will regret it for the rest of my life.

“Stop now and consider how you want to love. ”

Capitalism makes us spend time on things that aren’t as important as the people we love.

Life has many dimensions. Work can’t be what defines all of you (us).
Listen to your gut. What is the right mix between living life, being present, and taking care of yourself and acknowledging others?
Work hard in your personal life. Your work doesn’t love you. Honor your previous generation’s success by being your whole self.
Call yourself blessed if you’ve heard the words “Mama loves you” more than once.
Take those moments to do for your loves. Give flowers. Listen to your inner voice.
Always call your mom.
Stop now and consider how you want to love. What’s stopping you from being able to do that? The time is now.
Community. Connection. Regret. Love.
Time is the biggest sacrifice. Identify what is truly important before it’s too late.
Mary, Big hugs to you. My mom has major health issues right now and this is a great reminder to take the time with them while they are still present. <3
Time is our most precious scarcest resource. Call your mom.
A vivid reminder to listen to that voice!
Reevaluate priorities. Make time for those you love. Consider success as mulit-dimensional. Listen to your intuition.
Balance life. Success is nothing without family.
Listen to your gut. Follow your instincts.
Forgive yourself. Make time for the important things.
Again, relate to the pressure - feeling like you must be successful and represent your entire race and pay respect to your ancestors for their sacrifice. Mary’s story also made me want to call my parents more.
The lesson, to trust your first mind. Time and people are far more precious and irreplaceable than work.
This one broke my heart and reminded me of my own story with my dad. Those final moments we truly never get back are the ones that haunt me forever. This helps me feel connected to humans again <3
I am in a feud with my mother over lifelong turmoil, trauma, & disappointment. She has broken my heart again and again……and I need to call her. Thank you for the reminder. Mary, I am so glad you had a mom/daughter relationship that we could all take a glimpse into. What a blessing and a gift you shared with us. <3
Your Momma loves you.
I feel you. Felt that way with my brother who recently passed.
Do NOT wait. Seriously. The time is fucking NOW.
That was a raw, vulnerable moment of failure and forgiveness.
You have to trust yourself.
Our time is too short.
You know in your heart.
I’ve just had this realization that family and friends are more important than the company I work for. My goal this year is to use all my sick days, PTO, and vacation time with the people that I love and care about.
“Okay Baby, Mama loves you.” Mary Brown - Thank you for your love story. Being a mama means/meant the world to her. She loves you.
Our spirit guides are always with us - sending us messages.

Jaime Counterman - October 20, 2022 - Wealthy Theater, Grand Rapids, MI

Jamie Counterman

Success & failure co-exist. Allen Watts: “The embroidery piece you see vs. the mess of knots in the back.” Perfectionism feels like a safety net. It can be - on the surface, but it can also be what holds you back. Vulnerability can harm you and others.
I learned that I’m using success as a form of healing from past trauma - prison.
What a beautiful illustration of how success and failure combine to make the masks we wear. Success, failure, beauty, pain, trauma, and triumph co-exist in the most interesting and incredible ways.
It’s okay to stop trying to protect them.
Success does not equal happiness.
Childhood trauma is so deep and painful and we don’t deal with it because society doesn’t want us to.
Success and failure co-exist and sometimes impede one another.
Sometimes letting go of control can set you free from your demons.
There is strength in vulnerability
Other’s failures are not our cross to bear, but often it is. Learn from the failure but don't let them affect how you live.
Don’t give pain power over you. Run into it and tell it to sit the hell down.
Your biggest mountain, your deepest valley is your own to climb.
I need to deal with my demons…..and stop hiding.
When you run your whole life, eventually your legs get tired.

“Unlearning of coping with trauma through achievement. I was a success addict. I felt like it was me up there talking. ”

You have always been whole. We have to integrate our traumas to convert them into skills.

Suffering alone in a room full of people. That hit hard.
Trauma sucks. Trauma lasts. Coping is learning to carry it.
Add onto my “40 under 40 list” to talk to a therapist about success addiction and trauma.
Such courage. No words. Thank you. You are strong and will help others with your story however you share it.
Your mess is just as important as your success. You can’t be everyone’s savior. You have to also be your own. Your story matters too.
Incredibly brave. Success & failure are personal, yet we hold ourselves to our stereotypes and external pressure. How do we deprogram ourselves from expectations?
You can be and feel more than one thing.
Growth from trauma is individual and unique. The pain is shared.
Your story matters. ALL OF IT matters.
Unlearning of coping with trauma through achievement. I was a success addict. I felt like it was me up there talking.
I felt like she was telling my own story.
Holding shit in will tear you apart.
“Break myself to become whole” - WOW. The special kind of failure it takes to succeed. What drops through the cracks when we choose success? Is it us?
Trauma has lifelong impacts. It’s important to keep writing, telling, retelling our stories. Jaime reminds us to all embrace the “both and” of success & failure.
I have failed to recognize the significance of the “memory lens” of shared experience.
It is me….but bolder.
I never thought of failure in this way. But I guess I failed too. But I’m working through it.
I can 100% relate to success addiction.
Failure & success = 2 sides of the same coin.

Troy Evans

Control - trauma induces the need for control and it is not dealt with no matter how much good you do to cover it up. “Thought if I piled something good on top of my bad I could cancel out the darkness I inherited from dad.” - Noah Kaan
What we think the problem is is RARELY the entire story. Don’t forget self care, self awareness, and healthy release. Be authentically you, broken with all of your scars. Show up and give the same grace to others.
What is on the inside (good or bad) will come out.
Pride can prevent the help you need to succeed. Pushing too hard without a break will cause you to break.
Self awareness is a powerful force for positive change
As a phoenix from the ashes
It is not always the obvious feeling that leads to failure. Sometimes you have to look deeper and acknowledge its feeling in the mirror instead of the projection of others.
Humility makes you whole.
The longer you go without getting help, the harder life hits you.
You can’t keep your “you” from coming out. Deal.
The oozing out. That felt relatable. Small seeping….until it gushes. I wonder what color my goo is.
What we hold inside needs space and time to come out.
Check the ego.

“Anger is a secondary feeling. Dive deep to find the primary one. ”

Love it. Pride always gets in the way of the true life for ourselves and others.
Troy - I am seeing my brother in you. Cut from the same cloth. The pride problem is so real.
Such strength and self-awareness. We are fortunate you are on this path.
Whatever is on the inside is going to ooze on the outside. Pride comes before failure.
our mental health is more important.
Our failure to ask the right question. Heat.
When you are tired, you crack. The inside is always showing.
Take care of yourself before you crack. Lose your pride/ego. There is no PTSD program for bangers.
Take a deep look inside. Be humble. Be open. Be willing to heal so you can be your greatest.
Anger is a secondary feeling. Dive deep to find the primary one.
Take a break. Check your pride. Things get better.
Enjoyed the story and it reminded me that our trauma, if not dealt with, can show up at any point, even years down the line when we “think we are healed.”
Experience ego death.
Take the time needed to heal and learn yourself after facing traumas and ensuring you can walk among spaces new and healthily.
Anger is not the sickness. Anger is a symptom.
Pride is the most dangerous element in human nature. Too little and too much are both toxic.
Reconcile the inner person who can’t be ignored.
Handle it hands on. Preach it. Secret of the ooze prideful pains. Remember thou art mortal.
Our lives are made up and influenced by every phase. We cannot be at one with our whole self without acknowledging that.
Some things aren’t always what they seem.
Finding the reason behind the anger is one of the hardest things to do on your own.
Cracking under pressure. Failure = pride. Can I get an amen and a t-shirt and someone to tell my a-hole boss his failure is pride too?

Stacy Bare

Don’t let your excitement of your abilities or accomplishments cloud your judgement and knowledge. Ego can be your biggest enemy. Don’t show off just because you can. Just do what is right to the best of your ability and let it be enough.
Know what you are blowing up/doing.
Practice cultural humility. Be respectful of what is precious to others. What we don’t respect, we can’t protect. That said, he was an awesome speaker.
I don’t know….maybe really talented people fail a lot.
Shit happens.
Don’t be overconfident. Careful with explosives.
Go big or go home (unless you go to prison instead).
Don’t play with fire.
Pride can blind judgement.
Bigger is not always better.
Measure twice. Cut once.
Double check your math.

“Blowing up stuff is awesome, but so is spatial awareness.”

Keep $150K liquid. Double check everything. Triple check weapons & ORD.
Finding the humor in failure is important.
Blowing up stuff is awesome, but so is spatial awareness.
You could always fail MORE spectacularly.
Righting wrongs? Or super wronging rights?
The biggest mistakes in life make the best stories.
Always think before doing and know that failure can come with a cost.
It’s never worth it to try to impress.
Sometimes blowing shit up feels good. Sometimes blowing shit up isn’t the plan but it decides our next steps.
Don’t let your “show” or win be the priority over your competency and craft.
Trust yourself, but verify!
Holy shit! You blew my mind tonight. Sometimes we don’t know what the hell we are doing.
We can think we are doing the best thing - we can mean well, and bad things still happen.
Slow the fuck down.
White saviorism might cause a bigger fire than the one you were trying to put out.
Double check your work.
Don’t add your “icing” to explosives and doing more than is required is rarely necessary.
Be careful how much fun you have.
Failure doesn’t care how good you are.
Be careful with your own enthusiasm. It could blow up!
FUUUUUCK. Great story. Truly fucking up makes a great story.
There is this road that I have heard of….that is paved with good intentions

XO,

Anna Baeten @ Failure Lab